In Hollywood, we do chemistry tests. Do these two actors have romantic heat? Can we FEEL it?

No amount of writing can save poor chemistry. 

Because it’s not a set of words or ideas.

It’s a primal thing. In the body.

In the body between those two actors, and in the bodies of the audience who will stop watching if they can’t feel it.

In our actual lives, we all do our own chemistry tests, usually unconsciously. For most people, early heat is THE reason for entering romantic relationship.

And loss of that heat is often the reason for ending it. 

Or, short of that, loss of intimacy underlies the fights, the couples therapy, the decision to “open up the relationship,” or a dozen other pain points modern couples face.

Every week I speak to men and women in long-term partnership who’ve gone for long periods of time without easeful, hot, fulfilling sex with the one person they decided to be exclusive with.

Here’s the problem:

In both the surge of initial attraction and its ebb, people think that heat just IS or ISN’T. That it can’t be cultivated or worked on.

The metaphor of chemistry suggests that it can’t — either these two molecules go together or they don’t.

But the magnetic heat of intimacy CAN be worked on. Beautifully, consciously, hotly. 

And magnetism is a MUCH better metaphor than chemistry, the attraction of opposite poles. 

Opposite poles of what?

Yang and yin, structure and flow, direction and radiance, consciousness and love.

But before you start analyzing what that means, remember all of this is in the body. 

It’s not about words or ideas.

It can’t be worked on by talking about it. This is the mistake of couples therapy and books about intimacy and frameworks and podcasts and processing — all that shit that our minds, which are in love with words and ideas, seem to be so uselessly addicted to.

This was a hurdle for me personally — I’m a career writer. I believe in the power of words and ideas. Like most men, I felt safe in the world of ideas. I can argue and I can win…

But in sex, intimacy and attraction? Words and ideas are minimally useful only as a starting point.

Attraction is not about what you believe or think or say. It’s about what you embody.

Here’s the bottom line: whatever kind of human you are, magnetism starts with you in your body. If you consciously cultivate the pole that feels good to you in a way that feels right to you IN YOUR BODY — pleasure, movement and dance, let’s say; or grounded stillness and depth — you will attract the opposite pole in a way that feels magnetic, sexy and hot.

As with many thing in embodiment, I can show you so much faster than I can tell you. Because your body knows, and when you have the nourishment of steamy, devotional attraction in your love life — whether you are single or in a couple — life is richer. 

You have that “chemistry” which is really magnetism, and magnetism can be accidental and fleeting (as it is for most people) or it can be intentional, enduring and ever-refreshing — if you have the courage to give this work a try.